Returned. There are some questions that you ask google that you should never ask a machine, especially ever since googles search quality dropped faster than a restaurant order sent back to the kitchen. All that backed up cud and spit has to go somewhere and now that where is a when and that when is anytime google gives back its results.
Regardless of their quality, an uneasiness developed in my joints as I searched "do you need to be in touch with yourself to be in touch with the world". This is not something that can be searched, the result is an empty page. Or at least it should be. That question is such a matter of experience and philosophy that nobody, much less a non-sentient machine, could adequately compile a correct response to that search even if they knew all that there is to know down to the cloudy thoughts in your head. It pained me to see that I had typed out those words it wasn't something I should've had to search. You can actually search these words you can actually return results but you can't accurately ask this question or receive any answers. You search and you get results. You ask and you get answers. These are two separate concepts.
Sometimes there's fun in seeing what the murky waters dredge up when there are no more link trees no more resources and no more human discourse. Forums were in some ways the peak of what the internet should've been and even then it fails to capture reality. What makes capturing reality so important? Well in a webspace world things are more rapidly distorted. It leaves the user with a wrongful interpretation of their surroundings particularly if the web is what they surround themselves with. A spider was never meant to be tangled in its own traps yet here lies humanity choking on its web with just enough air getting through to be alive but legally braindead.
I began writing this entire post immediately after hitting the enter button the results would be discouraging. The answer would be a lone firefly on a patchy dirt path through a tight tree thicket canopied with leaves. Illuminatory for a flicker and best captured in the mind for that flash until the next flicker appeared. I should answer the question I searched. The answer is yes. Despite what the mind wishes or in some cases does you are stuck in your body. To neglect that would lead you to as big a lie as the online bottomfeeders belief in the simulacrum world. How to do so has guidelines, the finer details are left to the mark of the individual.
For myself this matter comes as a dictate from on high -- to not fear the interior lest the exterior be far more frightening. The fear is reticent hiding inside my fearlessness. Most people I have met are kind or far more generous that I could have ever expected. Some, unfortunately some of the most long standing and impactful in my time, are duplicitous and emotionally manipulative. To give up faith in the world and embrace fear due to encounters with such people would be to put some form of trust in them, in those experiences as an image they've created for me of the whole world. That image is a part of the world; their part of the world not the entirety.
Reality is what you make of it. Per the words of Nietzsche, "When you gaze into that abyss, it gazes back, and it tells you what you are made of". Who you are is what you do because what you do jumps forth from that which makes you who you are. Ouroboros for the modern spirit. If you are nothing and try to eat your own tail you stay hungry. That resentful hunger grumbles and some can ignore it, those who do remain keenly aware of the world as it passes their eyes. The brightest day will be the last when they first see the firefly; it flashes just as their life does dying mired in regret. Knowing what they've never done.
What I need to stay in touch, grounded so to not electrocute myself on lifes cattle prod, is simple. Meditation, prayer, 3 square meals of veggies protein and some whole grains, exercise(#2), friends(#3), and sleep(#1). The how to each of these is now granular,
This means phone plugged in for the night, desktop shutdown, you're showered, dishwasher is running, and the kitchen's clean.
So you're encouraged to read them write about them on your rodeo site the next morning
Take the bag you packed the night before and leave the house. If it's to go swimming, go swimming, if it's anything else be outside for 30 minutes at least. You don't work well if you haven't been outside.
Oatmeal and a pear or some other fruit or radishes and yogurt or sausages.
Deli meat and cheese with some carrots or sandwhiches such as tomato or cucumber. Perhaps salmon on occassion.
There are a lot of recipes however these are fallbacks, old reliables, Green Chicken Curry with a side of brussel sprouts or spinach, Chicken Ramen with kale, chicken and brussell sprouts, Barbacoa (lasts for 4 days) with roasted onions and carrots and potatoes, cubed pork in red chili sauce with okra and green beans, and lastly, focaccia to dip in olive oil with baby tomatoes and sliced ham.
Something regular and concrete, fires every wednesday for example. Perhaps with some it's coffee or a small walk. Sometimes throw in something bigger.
For the sake of not stretching too thin do this once a month, either one through the uni or one through the local community.
There are far too many benefits for this to be something you ignore. It's proven to enhance every area of your life the more often you engage with it. A workout for getting in touch with yourself, making you fit to be in touch with the world.
Everyday at 7:00 and 19:00. It offers different qualities to meditation and feels honest everytime. Should you miss these times don't be discouraged, do it within the hour.
It's the one thing that makes me feel like myself, what could be better. Practice makes perfect and half an hour a day will help you improve by LEAGUES.
Carve out 1 hour a day for hobbies, when you can't think of any consider the ones written below,
It felt important to write out a step by step what serves as a reset, these things are easy to forget through tumultuous days. You can stay in the peaceful eye of the storm by walking at the right pace.
(a separate grudge of mine regards the realities of pesticides killing fireflies en masse, algun otro dia)
We can't consume time. It consumes us. Never singularly. Always gorging on everyone at once. How do you iron out a soul. How do you comb out the knotted tangles of the yarny self. The world is in an odd state today. However it could be said it has always been that way. In which case everything is quite normal.
Have you ever felt sand in your veins? That's what happens when time moves slowly and the despair seeps through. Staggering angularly as it cuts up your capillaries. Bleeding out from the inside.
I am so tired it's 2:30 AM and all I can recall is an imagined life where I didn't lounge in panic all day. Time doesn't just consume but panic too. Except, the case of panic is a potion you make for yourself. The words will get a better shot after some sleep 2x4's me.
Felt the strongest urge to type something before midnight makes friends with me again. It's better to type up the things of a day, uneventful though they may be, then to let a day go unnoticed.
Today my basil plant was wilted again don't know if it was from the glut of water or the lack of sunlight. One is my fault the latter however is the fact that it snowed in late april. I suppose there's some finality to one more snow, unless it snows again in may like it did last year. So I took it to the roof and read some of the book im supposed to read for philosophy. I don't want to go to bed but I have been tired all day, whatever that means I don't want a doctor to tell me. It's really been an okay day other than my mental fatigue. My head has felt this way since tuesday, maybe a proper nights sleep in bed will be the real cinch. I also hope it is when I eat more vegetables and meat that I will be better off.
Right now I have two finals left the one on the 25th for networking (nervous) and 26th for algorithms (doubly nervous) and so I have a lot to study up for and plenty to learn with not a lot of time
This category gets a bone today though for the fact I came to tears at the thought of a pack of smokes and going fishing in montana. Not to mention the free arms down there. Go to any shop and it's yours! Meanwhile milquetoast marvin of a country im roaming is going so far in the opposite direction it may as well stop advertising for communism and start living it. I don't care enough about typical politics exept for where the law and my ability to be isolated intersect, while it's not healthy to be an island in many ways it's what I want.
AFTER ALL OF THIS I WANT TO GO SEE MY COUSINS FIRST HORSE COMPETITION. It got postponed and flights are million bucks but if I can arrange it just right I can drive down there, assuming I fix my car in time and swap the wheels. It's a lot of work and a bit pricy of a trip but I really am feeling it at this point. I felt so free at the thought of seeing family again, supporting my cousin, visiting old haunts, avoiding haunts that still in fact haunt me, fishing, some smokes, and just maybe showing some solidarity to all the kids I love so much. I want to be better for them in every possible way. I want to be better for my friends too but my cousins and brother I want to give them what was taken away when she died. I want to give them a home they can gather at and feel is theirs. I want to do all that I can to make a beautiful future for everyone. Firstly though that means creating a beautiful future for myself which likely means a regular bedtime, eating well, exercising, and studying adeptly. I believe in you I love you and I love those precious family members so much.