Just woke up what is it now 3 hours ago the stress is paralyzing. It's snowing at the end of April, and heaven know im miserable now. Today google had one of their "doodles" up except it was no drawing but two photos of the same far north plot of land just twenty years apart. Left photo was a white snowy landscape and right photo only sported traces of snow like the last seconds before a cocaine lines demise.

The irony was salient when a regular jack the ripper in its own right such as google is pushing a sinful guilt premise onto the fairly near billion a day people who use it. But why am I complaining? Am I not the sucker that continues to use them? despite all the filth I feel in my guts at the names of magnates my pittance is part of their mountain. Perhaps thats me falling into that same guilt fallacy, which I won't allow for myself.

The curiosity of it all is astounding. I draw up a strawman here when thinking of the people who believe google is doing the right thing, turning on anyone who comes bearing criticism, frankincense, and myrrh. My enemies are imagined but I can't help but feel like 1/1millionth of a bigger caesar being stabbed by the motherboard knife of these hoodied monsters. The reality of people rising to their defense is believeable though, since collectively we have seen a rise in admiration for company frontmen.

Isn't it funny how it happens. Like an avalanche and the company holds the firing gun. Where at the start they look so admirable, pulling these new ideas into reality and helping people in the process. Then at some undefined equilibrium the pendulum screams down from its height at a speed not equivalent to the power it took to lift it there, breaking the laws of physics.

Prose aside, google is a scumbag company and their monopolization of the internet as a search engine, web browser, e-mail company where the valid exits are being filled with brick and mortar as we speak. A company that forcibly makes you view their crimes and then tries to frame it so manipulatively as to make the viewer contemplate global warming as their responsibility or as their futility is evil and wretched.

Got an 80% on my last algorithms assignment so that's a plus. Going to go study now, maybe with enough knowledge and enough manipulation, learned from the best!, I can strangle these bastards.

a long time coming really. It's been overwhelming. there's a lot to be said about what the duties of a university are. There is even more that's done about what the duties of a student are. I certainly have my opinions on the matter and while there are two sides to the coin I tend to side with the concept that schooling and curriculum as a concept is overrated.

That's not however why I am writing today. There is too much on my mind. It feels like being stuck in a haze. It figures if I write down what directions I took today then it'll prove what was and what wasn't real. What was and what wasn't productive. There is this empty space between tomorrow and yesterday where I didn't live at all and that period had been extended by a day. It's exhausting feeling unprepared. The only way to prepare is with smarts and time but who can afford either of those these days. Ironically the smarts come with time and nobody is ever given enough time. Here comes cram city.

All honesty. I want to sleep for a solid week. Then work on the content. The content is interesting in its own space but that space is impinged upon by everyone else and all other expectations. The whole thing feels like a scam, it has kept feeling like a scam over the past couple of years. It's even harder to swallow a scam when your throat is parched from lack of attention. I wish my parents knew how to express excitement or support. Have I disappointed them already? I truly don't know. It would be dishonest to say I am not concerned but so would saying the opposite. The worry of such a thing would be pressing if I wasn't already dissapointed in them. There's a duality you see when the people who were always meant to be one step ahead have been two steps behind you your whole life. How are you supposed to look up to people? how are you supposed to love people? How are you supposed to know what it's like to feel a genuine sense of respect not just for others but hell for yourself.

there's no challenge in having nobody challenging you and that's been a good deal of my life. A good challenge is what being alive is about. There is something foul, putrid, greedy, in people not curious about a challenge. Can people who once chased a challenge become a monster of shrugging shoulders and sighs so easily? It seems they can. What a cruel fate. To see one go from self-possessed to self-regressed.

I suppose if there's any reason I should continue to study and learn and worry in spite of my exhaustion it'd be for the challenge. The best way to do that certainly is going to bed immediately. this midnight post brought to you on the darkest of days.